Repeat After me- I am a writer!

So, I decided to share a sampling of blog posts from my blog “We’re All Mad Here” over at Fredericksburg Parent magazine. I tagged them as being from that blog, so people could see that I was still an active writer for several years, just at another handle:)

These were written during my active parenting years, while the kids were still home. I enjoyed sharing my opinion and experience. I guess one could say I was a professional writer! I need to start reclaiming that title for myself.

The posts are still over at Fredericksburg Parent Magazine, and the name of my blog is “We’re All Mad Here,” feel free to check them all out, there, and the sampling of a few, right here.

Present Moments- from my blog at fredparent

 I am so guilty of trying to worry over everything that I forget to enjoy the here and now!  I remember being in my early twenties wishing my life away. I wished I could find that special someone. I wished I could be done with school. I wished I had a cool job (and a cool car). When all of that was accomplished, of course, I wished I had the perfect engagement ring, and the perfect wedding. Then I was wishing for pregnancies, nursery furniture, and a new house. I mean, honestly, I was a hot mess with all that wishing going on.  

I bet if you ask any older (experienced) parent what is one thing they would do differently knowing what they knew now, it would be to worry less. Time flies, so enjoy the here and now. There will always be laundry to do, floors to mop, and shelves to dust. Chores are perpetual, aren’t they? Enjoy your present moments with your family. Enjoy the stages your kids are in, because one day they will be teenagers (if they aren’t already), and they will be embarrassed to cuddle with you in public, and they will not like to do anything you suggest. Or, they will be in college, or married, or living in another country, so relish your current stage and your current family season. It’s easy to give such advice, I know, and harder to follow such advice, I also know. I have a hard time with this, myself. I’m a clean floor girl, and we have a labrador. Imagine how often I feel the need to vacuum. The hair never ends. Ever. Little poofs of awesome lab hair are constantly being poofed into the air at our house.

So, along the lines of enjoying the present moment, I wanted to speak to the importance of enjoying your spouse (significant other) right here, right now. Too often, we are so busy wishing for the next stage of life, that we forget to focus on the stage we are in, and we forget to focus on the one we are in this life stage with. Remember that you were a girl or boy friend before you were a parent. Your time and attention was on your spouse long before you ever had a baby. I’ve seen so many couples forget this. It is heartbreaking to see married friends separate, and/or get divorced. I pray and love on the hurting separated friends, for sure, but it is still heartbreaking, and it is still a very hard struggle for those going through tough marriage moments.

In no way am I implying that staying together is as easy as just paying attention to your spouse, but often it is a good place to start if things seem to be falling apart. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but your spouse certainly deserves time and attention, in addition to your children. I know when I was a mother for the first time, I was livid with anger when (quite honestly) my husband mentioned his needs weren’t being met. Believe me, I was on the warpath instantly!  It is not easy to take care of a baby for the first time, nurse/feed them, figure out how to soothe them and heal from the delivery, and get some rest… and care for the needs of a husband… all at once. We had some very honest talks (sometimes very heated as well) those first few weeks. We both needed to show grace toward one another, and we both needed to give one another time and attention. We found we had to communicate everything, in plain english, and without shouting, very, very frequently.  

Let me tell you- those talks have never stopped.  Each stage of family and parenting life has brought different demands on our time and attention, and unfortunately, it seems like our marriage relationship is the very thing that takes the greatest hit. Kids are demanding on a good day, and they do need more from us than our spouses do in terms of safety, nurturing, and development.  I challenge you (and myself) though, to think of what your spouse needs, and don’t be ashamed to put them first.  

Obviously, I’m not saying to neglect your precious offspring, I'm merely suggesting that putting time aside- non-negotiable time- for your spouse will do wonders for your marriage relationship. It’s tough to not let the drama of child rearing interrupt that time, and emergencies do happen, but it is so worth it to remember your grown up loved one, every day, non-negotiated, to remind them they are important to you, too. 

I could not do this family without Mark. It has not always been super happy, and certainly it has never been without conflict, but we are a team. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, we have promised each other to stay committed and to choose love and forgiveness. We constantly remind each other that we are important, and we need our time. Date nights are great, but everyday moments are just as powerful.

There will be ups and downs, and good days, and bad days, but enjoy those days.  Enjoy all the days and moments that are right now. Right now will never happen again. Marriage moments need to be an important part of your family raising so that you can weather tough times, and be so thankful for the gift of the present times.

Keep calm. Enjoy your family. Parent on!

Fear- from my blog at frredparent

 Someone very close to me is struggling with anxiety and depression. As I am an anxiety and depression veteran, I am both hopeful and worried for her. She is very young, and has already been in the fight for several years. I know she feels hopeless, so I pray very fervently that this burden be lifted from her.

I find that a lot of folks are still uncomfortable talking about mental health. I think my family is so immersed in it, that it has become part of my vernacular. I can even joke about it sometimes, and I hope that joking might be just what someone needs to hear in order to confront such things in themselves or in their families. I hope that I am approachable and non-judgemental enough for people to approach and talk to me.

I am not a psychiatrist, but I have huge respect for the one our family uses. I know that medicating children (and adults) is a hot topic with a lot of accusatory and inflammatory thoughts and feelings relating to this issue. I would love to share my opinion, and please know it’s an opinion only. 

We are a medical knowledge type of family, and growing up with asthma (in the seventies and eighties, mind you), I had/have a lot of experience with medications. Oxygen is kind of necessary so I took medicine my whole life. Going into nursing also made me not afraid of medicine. Having an autistic child that was constantly speaking only to his imaginary friend in a language I couldn’t understand, and freaking out if the sandwich was cut in rectangles instead of triangles, probably made me feel a bit desperate for a medicine -any medicine-  to work, so I could help him with, well, life. And it did work. It worked well. It still does. Having another autistic child that had just as alarming behaviors that were not (absolutely not) managed with Love and Logic or other traditional parenting methods (and believe me, we tried… and cried… and tried) led us to consider medication for her, as well. Again, very successful medication management. Life improved drastically for all of us. We still struggle and have challenges, but we all speak a similar language in our house. Thank you, Dr. Burdett.

The notion that we are sick because of what is going on with our bellies (gut health) is most likely spot on. I believe that. I’ve taken measures to correct our diets in our house, and to make sure we are taking supplements and probiotics. In the meantime, though, medicine is still necessary for us. I think the proverbial damage is done. Antibiotics are inevitable, and oxygen and English language are necessary. And attention spans for homeschool work and meltdown avoidance are a (very) nice side effect of medications that truly do what they say they are going to do. I don’t think the “damage” to our guts is irreparable, but I think it is going to take time to fix said damage. Maybe, I believe, it’s going to take a long time.

And here is where I want to encourage you parents who are dealing with tangible fear about medications. Finding a good practitioner that you trust and can develop a relationship with is the most important part of taking a first step toward considering medication management for your children. Sometimes, it just works. And, to the parents who are so anti medication, no matter what, and would never consider that for your children, it is fine. It is ok. Both sides of this playing field deserve respect and grace, because every consideration you are making for your children is beautiful and brave. Just as I need to respect people that are anti medication, anti medication people need to respect me. Furthermore, sometimes medication is the glue that holds a person together, and that is scary and heart wrenching enough, without having to field judgement from friends and family. Mental health, psychological disorders, disabilities and the like are part of our world, part of my world. You never know what another family may be dealing with. With things like suicide and violence on the rise, parents you encounter may just be desperate for their children to be happy.. for just an afternoon or a moment or something. We all should afford each other a little grace, especially when most of us are just trying to do the best we can do with the knowledge we have. And that’s where posts like this come in handy; hopefully, someone who needs just this information is reading it this very moment! Parents, we need to share our knowledge.

Keep Calm, share and share alike, offer a smile, and parent on.

Parenting With Chronic Illness- from my blog at Fredparent

 I think it's time to talk about this subject.  I know many sweet friends that are dealing not only with toddlers, children, activities, and diapers, but also with illness and pain.  Probably many people you know may be coping with a hidden illness. Hidden illnesses or conditions, are the diagnoses you can't see. A lot of people truly just don't like to sound like they are complaining, so they don't talk about their illness at all.  Some people downplay their suffering, because, unfortunately, other people tend to doubt symptoms they can't see. Given that I am raising children with sometimes invisible symptoms, I have a soft heart for those that are undertaking parenting while dealing with a chronic illness.

Everyone gets sick sometimes, and if you are the mom who is sick, you know it is next to impossible to take the day off.  I had the flu the month of March (like the whole month), and I wrote about having backup plans for everyone to have on standby so others could step in and help, if it came down to it.  Don't take for granted that your spouse automatically knows what to do, just because you live together; mine didn't and we've been together over twenty years! Bless him, he was like, “what?! You do that?! How often?! When!?”  Talk about a comedy of errors. We are still married, by the way, and we’re always better for those tough moments, but lesson learned: write down the medication schedule, if nothing else.

So, I have friends that are struggling with different ailments such as:  lupus, multiple sclerosis, migraines, scleroderma, depression, fibromyalgia. The list can go on, and on. These aren't illnesses that you always see. These people usually suffer in silence. I found out just recently that one of my friends had been dealing with multiple sclerosis for a few years only because I saw her out, limping with a cane one day. Even still, she was saying things like, “it's no big deal, it only happens sometimes.” Later in the year someone was complaining about how forgetful said friend was, and how she was always sick. As gently as I could, I remarked, “Well, yeah.  You know she has multiple sclerosis, right?” So? What's that? As if that is any excuse.

Oh my.

Friends, we are better humans when we are building one another up, rather than tearing each other down. First off, don't be so quick to judge something (such as forgetfulness) as a negative character flaw! Given today’s social climate, everyone has a responsibility to try a little harder to have a more open heart toward people that are different than ourselves. When we (humans) seek to understand each other, instead of complaining about one another, the world is simply a better place. Invisible diseases (or conditions) hurt. Usually, they hurt a lot. Migraines are debilitating. MS causes numbness and paralysis. Scleroderma makes the skin ache. Depression, anxiety, and all the obsessive compulsive disorders are extremely hard to deal with, and to live with. Just trying to get everyone in the family up, fed, dressed and presentable is hard when you're feeling good. Imagine having to accomplish all that while having a pounding headache, or when you can't feel your legs, or when your skin feels like sandpaper if someone brushes up against you. 

So, when you see your forgetful, sick friend out and about, at Target or the grocery store, tell her she looks beautiful and be kind.Tell her it's great to see her up and out. You never know what it took for her to get out of the house. 

Everyone is always dealing with something.

When the fibromyalgia diagnosis first started showing up across the country, I was a young know-it-all-hot-shot nurse. I would dutifully roll my eyes and mutter under my breath, “drug seeker” whenever I was assigned a fibro patient. Don't misunderstand- I loved nursing, and my patients and I treated everyone with respect, compassion, and dignity. But, you can't see fibromyalgia, and pain is subjective. I couldn't really wrap my brain around it, and back then, the medical community didn't have a lot of information or research to effectively treat fibromyalgia. Pain medicine was the treatment of choice. When you spend a year as a nurse on a med-surg floor, inevitably you have a lot of drug-seeking patients, and when you are new and young and you know everything, judgement happens.

Fast forward fifteen or so years… One day I wake up not feeling great, again, and I start thinking about it, and I'm wondering why am I having so many headaches?  What is this constant pain on my breast bone? Why are my hips burning, and achy, and what is up with the leg pain? One symptom blends into another, time goes by, then I started having trouble sleeping, even though I was always tired. I was really tired, and always achy, and constantly getting sick.  So, when, one day, at five o'clock in the afternoon as I was starting to put the kids to bed, so I could just go lay down and rest, I stopped myself. I started to do some research, and decided to see some new physicians. Guess what? Welcome to the club. It's fibromyalgia. And it hurts. For real.

It's funny how things work out sometimes.

Our circumstances can define us if we let them. I don't really accept that, though, for me or my family.  Yes, of course, some things do change, have changed, and will continue to change, but illness doesn’t define me- or the family. For us, we have had to rearrange some schedules, say no to some activities, and we need to remain flexible. We have slow days, for sure. Thank goodness we homeschool, so pajama days are blessings. Everyone pitches in to help out- not always willingly- but they do. Cleaning is a group activity. Cooking is what I like to call “collaborative”.  Schwans, Digiorno, and Green Giant are my friends. Sometimes, frozen food is where it's at. Everyone knows they can turn on the oven and bake a meal. The crockpot is good for easy meals, too. We definitely don't schedule things for early in the morning. Quiet time is absolutely a must. I’ve gotten a lot of great advice from some very sweet friends, and I will always share that advice with others. The best advice I have though, is to be kind to yourself. Some days will be just fine, but when the days come that are painful, or exhausting, just remember that your body is different than it used to be, and it is ok to slow down and say no to extras. And pay attention to your nutrition. Frozen meals are better than McDonalds, and vegetables are important. Be aware. Be kind. Don’t judge. Keep calm. Parent on!

Life Skills- post from blog at fredparent

 If you were to ask me in my twenties about life skills, I probably would have answered that they were just common sense. I would probably use words like obvious, instinctual, and innate. If I didn't know something, I could just figure it out. Besides cooking (I'm a terrible cook), I could totally live on my own at eighteen (I didn't, I know, not really, but I could have). Microwaves were invented, and I went to college. I had Domino's on speed dial (pre-cellphone era); I knew how to do laundry, study, and keep myself groomed. Life skills. Easy-peasy. 

Twenty(ish) years and three kids later, I realize that life skills are not obvious or innate for everybody. I didn't know what autism was, really, back in my twenties, back when I was first “adulting”.  I had never heard of sensory integration or executive functioning. While all kids, especially teens, and especially boys struggle to see the importance of clean clothes and toothpaste, for some kids it just doesn’t occur to them that they smell bad or have food in their teeth. Beyond that, unless they are reminded, they won't change clothes, deodorize, or brush their teeth. It's frustrating, to say the least, and heart breaking at times.  One day Tommy came home from highschool with macaroni and cheese in his eyebrows.  A phone call to his case manager at school insured it wouldn't happen again, but things like that happen all the time. He needs to be told to use a napkin, and to check the mirror before he leaves the restroom.

Tommy needs reminders for Every. Single. Thing. I'm not even exaggerating. He wakes up on his own, and goes on Wikipedia to get evidence to convince me the multiverse is reality on his own, but everything else needs prompting.  Did you shower? Did you use soap? Did you change your clothes? Did you brush your teeth? Did you remember the toothpaste?  It goes on and on and on. I'm even needing to smell him sometimes because the reply is often as automatic as the question.  Yes, yes, and yes.  I'm like, “Really? Come closer! No, you didn't!”  So, while most kids will realize eventually that it's important to be clean, Tommy just doesn't, and probably won't.   A lot of kids with autism don't and won't grow out of the stage of teenage unsanitariness. It just won't occur to them that it's necessary. Tommy won't figure out how to budget, meal plan, or organize himself by himself.  He needs a little extra help, and sometimes (at this stage of life) that help needs to come from someone other than his family members.  I call it launching him, this preparation for independence that needs to happen without the immediate safety net of his people always directing and guiding him. Forward progress!

So, Tommy had an evaluation week at the Woodrow Wilson Workforce center a few months ago.  It went so very well, and he was recommended for the first part of his training to be the Life Skills program, which is nine weeks long.  We left yesterday and dropped him off (gasp)! He is living in a dorm, he is having to live with someone, and share a bathroom with eight other boys.  I'm excited and terrified, again. I wasn't quite as emotional dropping him off this time, but it is definitely unsettling for me-- for all of us in this family.  Katie did cry, and Mark was really quiet on the ride back home. It's what we want for Tommy, and it's hard to let go.  Parenting is kind of like signing up to have your heart broken a little at a time, and then to have it put back together, but it's just not ever the same. It's a beautiful and terrible thing. 

The biggest worry Tommy had, mind you, was his roommate.  “What if he is not like me at all… What if he is an atheist sports fanatic or something?”

Bless him.  I'm happy to report that the roommate was not an atheist sports fanatic, and, indeed, was quite a bit like Tommy.  They both like DC comics, Gotham, and conspiracy theories. The roommate is writing a book about the presidents’ secrets.  All the presidents. All the secrets. He is very organized. I was impressed.  Tommy and he fell into a very easy dialogue (and debate) about aliens, Area Fifty-One, and the “fake” lunar landing.  I left feeling good, a little less worried, because I was nervous about the room-mate possibilities, as well.  Part of life skills is social skills, and that is always a struggle for Tommy.

So, all in all, it's going to be an interesting nine weeks for this family!  One week without Tommy was fine, but nine weeks?! I'm a bit beside myself.  It's already so quiet. I didn't wake up to hearing him pacing around the house (laps, inside, every morning, with a very heavy heel). I didn't have to answer questions about him being the best swordsman in a multi-dimensional universe, scarf wearing fraternities in Brazil, or parallel Star Wars outcomes and theories, ad nauseum.  My brain won't know how to think without all that stimulation, I'm afraid. But, I'll keep you posted!  

Keep calm! Tommy is launching! And Parent on!

Autism Awareness from my fredparentblog

 With it being autism awareness month, I wanted to write a few posts about living with autism in our family.  I can officially say I have two kids on the spectrum.  Some speculation about other family members being autistic is always there, too.  I kind of feel like I have developed a radar for seeing autism where others don’t see it at all.

So, Tommy (our oldest) was diagnosed when he was five, but he had been in our county’s PIED program since he was about eighteen months old.  I get a lot of questions about how and when we (my husband and I) started to suspect any issues with Tommy’s development; after all, he was our first child, we didn't have experience with any other kids, we weren't teachers… So, how did we know?  Well, Tommy was born the same day as one of my friends’ twins.  So, as the twins started crawling, walking, talking, doing, etc.  and Tommy wasn't doing any of those things, I became concerned because he was an “only” child, and he wasn't doing the things that the twins were doing.  I knew that oftentimes twins development can be a little slower, especially in the area of language.  He eventually met most of those milestones, and he wasn't so far delayed that he qualified to receive services, at first.  It wasn't until he was almost three that he qualified for speech, and then he qualified for the special education pre-school once he turned three.  Tommy, by age three, was walking, and meeting a lot of the developmental milestones, but he was behind in language, fine motor, and visual and auditory processing.  We weren't really concerned that he was autistic until he developed language, when he was four years old.  With language came decreased eye contact and flapping.  It's so interesting to me how different autism looks to each individual family!  It's fascinating, really, to hear and study all the differences, and all the similarities, as well.

For me, I actually felt validated when he was finally, officially diagnosed.  I really felt that once it had a name, I could understand what we were dealing with, and proceed from there.  I know that other people may feel very differently, but I was glad to be “in the know”.  With validation, for me, I could go through the grieving process, and move forward.  It's not that I was ever sad, per se, it's just that I had typical expectations for parenting, and that was all changed.  So, yes, there is a grieving period.  And, yes, it's OK to say that.  And, everyone in the family has to go through that at their own pace.  My acceptance and grieving looked much different than my husband’s did.  A lot of marriages, actually, don't survive special needs parenting, and I totally understand why.  For us, we have had to go through some very painful, and trying times, hard, hard conversations, and vast different ideas on how to deal with a wide range of topics… And that's just related to parenting Tommy.  Marriage, at best, is hard.  We truly believe we can't do marriage without God, let alone anything else that gets added in to life.

So, fast forward twelve years.  My youngest was born when we were going through the diagnosis process for Tommy.  She came two weeks and one day early, and hit the world running, and has. not. once. slowed. down.  True story.  This girl is my “crazy Katie-cat”  and her Daddy’s “special K” and she is busy.  She is fearless when she should have fear, and horribly afraid of things that are unrealistic.  She can do math in her head, but has a hard time with reading.  She loves minecraft, horses, gymnastics, and cats. Let me let you in on a little secret:  when you’ve met a child with autism… you’ve met a child with autism. The spectrum looks so much different for girls, especially hyperactive, anxious little girls.  I’ll add, also, that having one with autism, and then suspecting you might have another with autism does not mean that you are trying to pin a label on everything. Let me release you from that, please, because following your gut-feelings about the child that you live with may get you ahead in terms of therapies or medications your child could benefit from.  I really believe that knowing is half the battle.

So, there is our diagnosis story- or a snapshot of it, anyway.  It's been a wild ride, to say the very least.  I've been fortunate to have a ton of support from friends and family, near and far.  I know that sounds cliche, but it's the truth! I've also been fortunate to find resources to include doctors and therapists who have listened, guided, and recommended strategies and tools to help us parent and raise our family well.

I’m Used to Be Smart- From my blllog on Fredparent

 Once upon a time, I was the mother of little people. I was exhausted. I didn’t shower every day, or every other day, and a ponytail/messy bun was the hairstyle dujour. I could not see the end of being physically and bone-weary tired from taking care of little humans, and keeping them safe.

And then I had teenagers. 

I went through a phase recently that had me convinced I needed to re-read every parenting book I had ever read, and then I probably needed to read a few more. I mean, seriously, how do I manage to say the wrong thing. every. single. time. I speak to my daughters? Furthermore, I totally have the worst timing ever. I may not physically be warding off burn injuries, flying from second story window injuries, or window blind injuries, but, I am still physically and, more to the point, mentally tired.

Now, I’m a little bit mad, here, but I am also a little bit sane. The jury is still out on the smartness factor of my brain, but I have not ever been told I’m certifiably crazy. I’ve tried, actually, and I’ve had years of therapy, but I do not have a “you-are-out-of-your-mind” diagnosis. So, far be it from me to point out the obvious, but I know for sure that I can drive a car, I’ve graduated from a four year college (in nursing, mind you), and I can keep track of homeschooling my kids. So, how is it that I know nothing? Have I gone through some type of mind sucking machine?

My children are so much smarter than me, and they know everything. This makes me tired. I so love repeating myself thirty-seven times a day to get the chores done, do the school work, and put on deodorant. I also adore the fact that I can tell my teens that drinking Mountain Dew (why is that stuff not classified as a legal drug?!) will keep you awake all night. It’s not like I’ve never been to college (or have a nursing degree). 

“Mom! I didn’t sleep at all last night!” said my youngest precious Sunday morning when I had to wake her up for church.

“Well,” I answered, knowingly, “that is what drinking Mountain Dew does to you.”

She looks at me with that worried little thinking face for a few moments before shaking her head no. It took about everything in me to return the gaze with any kind of neutrality.

“No, Mom, I don’t think that was it.”

Oh, really? Caffeine and sugar don’t tell your brain to stay up? I read somewhere that arguing with thirteen year olds over obvious things only make the mom more angry, and the child just adds to their brain that mom doesn’t know anything.

When I facetime with the boy-man-child who is away at college, he keeps the camera on his eyes only. Tommy has a rule (that I have no real way of reinforcing), that he has to shave daily, and can’t have facial hair until his acne clears up.

“Tommy,” I say, “let me see your face.”

“You can see it,” he replies.

“No, your whole face,” I answer.

“That’s as far as the phone goes.”

Like I said, I don’t know anything anymore. And, I’m tired. I am mentally jousting with smart kids every single day, now, and they are a savvy bunch, these children. Not only do they know everything, they also think that any experience I may have with any kind of issue doesn’t count because that was before the internet. Right. I lived back in the dawn of history. I got it.

What does one do when their children know more than they do? I’m trying to parent and learn all of history every day. Apparently, I have to discipline and be mindful of all the feelings (their feelings, mind you), or I’m causing brain damage. I also have to have a PhD in psychology, psychiatry, botany, and child development in order to raise humans that will be productive in society. Did I mention I’m tired? By the way, I still have to tell my youngest to look both ways before crossing the street, my middle is driving (!), and my oldest is living away from home, so, I’m still trying to keep everyone safe. So, even the “well-at-least-I-kept-them-alive-during-their-early-years” phase, is also now a “I-pray-they-can-stay-alive-during-the-teenage-phase.” 

There is no rest for the weary.

That you get up and wrangle, love, nag, teach, love, and keep alive the children in your care every day is worth a celebration. When you fall into your bed each night, weary with worry, exhausted and overextended, just try to rest in the fact that the day was successful.  If you aren’t dead, you are successful. If you are still parenting and raising a family, you are part of something special! Read some books, but don’t live or die by them. Take all advice with a grain of salt, because your family is unique, and you know them best. While your children may think you are as dumb as the day is long, just remember that it’s a phase. It’ll pass. One day, they will be twenty-five and needing your advice again. At least, that’s what I hear. I’m not there, yet. Apparently, I’m still in the ignorant time frame of parenthood. I know nothing.

So, hang in there, parents! Keep calm, repeat each morning and evening that you are super-woman or super-man, and parent on!