Saturday, January 19, 2013

today

This is how my morning started...

"Mom. Mom... Mom?? Wake up, Mom.  I heard your alarm.  Mom..."

"I was saying my morning prayers, Tommy."

"Oh- ok- mom... I've figured out immortality.  How to do it scientifically."

"OK," I answer, looking over at my son- all 5 feet, several inches (he is in a growth spurt, so I'm not sure exactly how many inches- his head reaches the cabinet in the kitchen that the grown ups run into with their heads at least twice a year, provoking all sorts of anger and un-necessary language), "Shoot- let me hear it."

Why, (why, why) do I engage in these discussions? Why is he even up on a Saturday before 10 am? Why?  Well, actually, simple curiosity- what fantastic way does one scientifically achieve immortality- and he was up because he had been up since 11 (me- as in, you were up all night? Tom- no, I told you, I woke up at 11- me, again, like 11 last night? Tom- in his 'duh, mom' voice- yes- but I wasn't up all night, I slept and woke up at 11. Sorry, I'm the slow one.).


"OK.  So. OK.  Well, if we can take out the brain while you're still alive, and put it in a jar with healthy stuff that keeps it alive, and, remember when you told me the brain can be active after death? and sometimes it has thought? So, see, you do it while you're alive, and keep it in this jar, with healthy stuff.  See? Immortality!  You just need someone to carry the jar.  See? Immortality!"

pause... I'm looking at him... He'll be 16 in April.  He reads college level reading material.  He thinks it only costs 1000 dollars for a car, he is three feet tall, and we can move to Chicago to join a sword guild.  I love Him.  I fight for him.  I try to reason with him.  I thank God for him.  I so wonder though, why did God think I was up to this task? I'm clueless.

"Mom. Did you hear me? Mom.  See, if you take it out while it's still alive..."

"I heard you, Tom-Tom." I answer as neutral as possible.

"You see my point, don't you,"  He states.

"Ummmm, Buddy, the brain is, like, connected to the heart and lungs and circulation- it needs blood and oxygen.  You can't do a brain transplant."

Silence.  Flapping.  Clearing his throat. Flapping.

"OH," he says, and turns around and leaves the room.

OK, so, what was that all about?  I'm not sure, but I always try to answer his quest for immortality the same.  We are immortal in Christ Jesus.  This part is just a little part, this being human part.  I always tell him I'm not into staying on Earth; it'll be so much better after Earth...

Tommy can't conceptualize that.  He knows here. And now.  Change is scary for him.  He believes, he knows the promise of Christ; he just can't imagine what that looks like.  I tell him that none of us really can because we haven't been there ourselves for a visit.  He laughs at that.


I think the nature of autism, though, is just that:  everything centers around the self and the here and now.  It makes it hard to explain why the future is so important (the future is not right now). Why, thinking things out is important (this is now, this is important to me. now).  Why it is so important to be kind and nice, and treat others the way you'd want to be treated (this sounds funny, now, I think it's funny, so it's ok, now, etc). 

But... there is this:  always a new perspective.  There is always some meaning, somewhere, some how.  Some things will make sense, eventually, if you think like an autistic brain:)

There is also immortality.  Faith in knowing all things are working together for good.  Knowing we are all created in His image.  No mistakes.  All beautiful.

Thank you, Lord, for your faith and trust in me.  I'll keep trying, for sure.  And please forgive my momentary lapses in memory when I forget that this is all part of your plan, and I get frustrated, and I worry, and I get angry, or scared- because I know that happens a lot- but I'll  keep trying. And praying. And looking up and forward... to You.







Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Beauty in blogging

I've started (finally) following "A Holy Experience"... it's awesome... counting graces, gifts, everyday.  By the end of the year, one thousand gifts will be counted.  Here is Ann's January counting schedule: 


from Ann Voskamp http://www.aholyexperience.com/

it is grey today... but...


getting along at Government Island
The New Year is off to a good start.  Resolutions were made, and most are still going strong-

I've discovered, though,  I'm not so good at fasting, which I will need to work on, because I'll try it again soon, for Lent.  I tried giving up sugar, except for desserts... so guess who has been having a ton of desserts?  Like, every night??   yep-- that would be me.  I have been faithful in one way (not eating it during the day), but over-indulging in the evenings- which isn't the point of the fast.  Needless to say, I'm human, it's a new concept for me- giving up something to draw closer to Christ through prayer- and, so, I'll just have to try again.  It's a life story, right? If at first you don't succeed, try again.  It's certainly part of my story.

So, I've been thinking about sugar, a lot, only to read last night that I have, like, so many risk factors for diabetes.   Wait for it.....

What?! ME?!

Yeppers.

Guess who is going to be getting serious about some self control, and diet management?  I'll keep you posted.  Another opportunity to try again, I'm thinking.

Other things are good, though. We've been pretty faithful about morning devotions.  We've been pretty good about being active.  We're a little off track the past few days because it has been foggy or grey, rainy every day since last Friday.  No sun. No vitamin D absorption.

Doesn't exactly make for elevated moods... which doesn't exactly contribute to the getting along resolutions for the kids

My children fight so much these days.  I am literally praying every day for their hearts to change to each other, to be softer, gentler, kinder...  It's definitely one of our struggles in this house...

So. Right. On to encouragement.  I love, love, love how my devotional verse, the verse from the pastor's teaching, and not just one but several blogs I read all match up.  It's amazing.  Two weeks ago it was Mark 12:30:  "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strength" (the next verse is love your neighbor as your self... which I've been all but screaming at my children: this means you!!! your brother and sister or sisters are your neighbors!!!).

This week's verse is written from Paul's perspective, a man who is, quite possibly, one of the most pivotal characters in Christian history because he spread the Gospel across a huge chunk of the Roman Empire.  The verse reads: 2 Corinthians 12:9: "But He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in weakness, therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me"

I am weak.  I am weak.  I am weak. I can't do it without You.  I need you. I am weak. And it's going to be OK.  His power rests on me...

And already this verse has been continually revealed this week.  In blogs.  On signs.  On Facebook. Several times.  Divine intervention. Amazing. Love.



Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year! Welcome 2013!


Another year gone, another year begins.  It's refreshing, really, a fresh start, new fitness and diet routines, promises made to yourself.  I love the new-ness of the new year!
 

Last night at midnight, the children and I rang in 2013 at a friend's house, with some of our favorite friends.  It was fun, but at midnight I didn't have my husband to kiss because he was working.  So, we face-timed around 1 am, and we made up for it this morning when he got home from his shift... But, the thing is: I have a husband. I have my family.  Already, I am in a much better spot than I was last New Year's Day.

It's hard not to compare, though.  Last year was so difficult.  My marriage was failing, I definitely had trust issues (and there were a LOT of trust issues) not just with my husband, but with people I thought were my friends.  It's so difficult (scary, hard, not fun) to draw a line in the sand and say, basically, I'm on this side... AND still say I forgive, I love my neighbor (all of my neighbors), etc... that stuff is tough!  And I'm a human, and I mess up (and... a little off topic, but:  I don't hate anyone... and neither do my friends... whatever may be said, or has been said... we are not haters...)

Because..

God has plans, and they are to not harm, and I have been blessed.

I have these amazing friends!  Last night I was with several of the very people that helped me with the boundaries that had to be made, and supported the changes that inevitably came with such bold choices. They, in fact, experienced the same trials, in slightly different ways, yes, but we went through a lot together... God is so good.

I'm forever a different person.  We all are.  I wouldn't want it any other way, truly. That's the growing part, and that's, I'm sure, why they call them growing pains... they hurt.

I would not wish last year on anyone I know; but, last year brought needed changes to my life, and the lives of some of my closest friends.  I know I have sisters in Christ that pray for me, support me, and hold me accountable. Every one of my best friends, and my family, were there for me and for Mark- (I hope they all know I'm there for them, indefinitely).

God, though, uses times of trial and suffering to grow us, I know. He brings people together in ways that are miraculous.  He numbers our steps; His timing is perfect. 

And here's the thing:  I can honestly say I've grown up a whole lot this last year.  I've matured, for sure, as a woman, a mother, a daughter, a wife.  I've grown closer to my God and Savior and Holy Spirit.  I can never explain it, exactly, but I love the Trinity and the gift of relationship with HIM.

And relationally, I only hope to encourage others in their faith walk, and acknowledge those (angels, friends, mentors) that have guided me (carried me, loved me, prayed for me, advised me, corrected me).  I pray for my sisters that struggle with their faith, I pray that they can know the peace that comes with a relationship with Christ (because it is so good! and because it makes life more sensical- I'm not even sure that's a word- but it helps so much to know God and have that relationship through Christ).




So... Happy New Year!!! And Merry Christmas!!! And have fun doing resolutions and fresh starts (and don't be too hard on yourself when those resolutions are derailed, if they get derailed, no one is perfect, and we are all still growing- God isn't finished with any of us, yet!) and remember that I'm praying for and with you.  2012 was definitely a tough year, and 2013 may be as well, but... the Bible tells us "To Be Not Afraid"!!