Wow, it’s been awhile.
Too, too, too many things happening! I’ve had graduations, and travel, and a retiring husband/new job for the husband, plus all the ups and downs of life going on. And on. And- well, I know you get the point.
It’s hard to believe that this year, let alone, last year have gone by so quickly. I’ll say it again: I believe time is like a rubber band. The front edge (if you are pulling it back with your fingers) is slow and tight. when you release it, that band it goes faster and lighter.
So, hello. This is me,now. Older, softer, (rounder). Still stressed.
MY family is awesome, and ridiculous, and angsty, and hurting all at the same time. There are good hurts (the middle has graduated college and is engaged), and bad hurts (the baby is all.the.things.). And anticipated hurts (the oldest is on a long list of very few possibilities for supervised living). And the love is beautiful and terrible and desperate. I’ve loved the kids fiercely, and softly. Now, I love them desperately. How does that even happen? One day I’m doing my damndest to keep them safe, Then there were the emotional teen years, and a whole other new kind of safety…
But people…
Shepherding adult children is a realm of safety that I could never have even fathomed! It’s terribly woeful. Especially difficult with kids who are doing the very opposite of all you have taught them. The love is crazy, difficult, and, yes, desperate for these kiddos. Aside from the heartbreak of their choosing to do things that are unsafe, or their doing of things that can easily invite the unsafe, there is no opportunity to control any aspect of their choices. It’s terrifying.
And, I’m exhausted.
And the love doesn’t go anywhere, it just changes.
Human beings, at least most human beings, don’t like big changes. It makes a lot of us uncomfortable- even the anticipated changes. However, when the changes are things like your child making scary choices, exhibiting scary behaviors, and therefore having scary consequences, the level and type of stress one (I) experiences, is overwhelming. At best.
So, the happy, joyful moments, even the ones with the challenging adult child, are just that: happy, joyful. But also weary. Being happy for this or that accomplishment is possible, but the back of the mind is running a loop of the stressful experiences, and frank failures that have occurred. This is true for all children, of course. But for those that have tried all the patience one can muster of their parents, the feeling becomes very cautious.
That’s the story of it: when I’m forever cautiously optimistic, or cautiously answering the phone because I’m wondering if this is it - I’m just left with that feeling of fatigue. And, yes, sadness.
But this: God sees me. He sees my family. He sees her, and her, and him. And HE keeps telling me that HE has it.
Not going to lie: it’s still hard to lay that down and trust that it’s all going to work out. My head knows it will, but my heart is trying to catch up.
Keep Calm, God is fighting the battles.
