It Isn’t Supposed To Be This Hard

 

Ever feel like it’s one crisis after another… after another… and on it goes?

Someone is always having an issue, or is behaving as if the world has just ended, or getting robbed, or thinking they need a lung transplant for “ammonia”. These are the good days.

Y’all.

Being the mother to adult people may as well be like raising toddlers all over again. Except toddlers can’t choose to not return texts and phone calls… and they come out of time out when you tell them it’s over. 

These grownup kids will accuse you of not being caring nor being present for them for over a six year time period with no context, then ignore you for nine days and text only to say that you’re passive-aggressive and not a priority right now. Um, really? Is your health insurance that we still pay for a priority? Because now you’re being disrespectful.

The eldest one had his account hacked not once, but twice over a three month period, to the tune of $1600.00. He’s been fired. He is now having a meltdown (like literally, right now, in my living room) because I am refusing to say that I believe he can be fully independent. Also, I want to throat punch the world for taking advantage of a sweet, autistic adult. This is what we are dealing with today- all new passwords, ids, cards, logins, etc. 

The baby is living her best life in Murder City, USA. I worry about her safety and she thinks she needs a new lung because of said “ammonia,”. “Pneumonia, you mean?” I ask her. “yes,” she sobs. “Um- they don’t do lung transplants for that. You probably have a cold. Calm down.”

She did. I assume she is fine. I’ve checked on her once, and she said she was still coughing, but is feeling better. I told her to stop vaping. She didn’t even try to deny it. I think after all the drama we’ve been through with her has earned us a level of respect in which she knows that we know when she’s lying, so she doesn’t even try. It’s refreshing, to say the least.

I can understand that my kids are not aware of my perspective on relationships and hurts within our relationships, and may only be able to mentally see “me” vs “them” - I can understand that the eldest is just a little clueless, and just needs to hear the words. I understand the middle went through a traumatic event. I understand the youngest is trying to get by and live successfully in a city. However- don’t accuse me of distancing myself, of not caring, of not supporting, because nothing can be further from the truth. And at least have the decency to let me know what went wrong.

Also, Jesus? I know You said in this life we’d have trouble… but, can You maybe lighten it? Just a little? Please? 

I will keep on trying, regardless, and caring, and being present, even when the sentiment is ignored. I will also continue to pray… because. Just because. What else is there sometimes, but prayers?

Why Yoga

 Take a deep breath in, purse your lips and slowly let it out…

Yoga, by far, has been one of the most beneficial activities that I’ve added to my repertoire of exercise/workout routines. Not only is it great exercise, but it is great for mind, body and soul. 

In this time of life of mine, I am needing more and more stress relief. My husband is just as stressed as I am. We both never imagined how stressful having adult children is!

Whomever said the toddler years were all about keeping your children alive, forgot to mention that this concept re-emerges as the theme of being parents to young adults. It is even worse, because you lose all the control you (sort of) had as your children as toddlers. When they are in their twenties, parents get the eye-roll, the sigh, and some manner of proclamation ranging from: “I’m twenty, mom, get a grip” to “back off, I got it, let me live my life!”

The drama is obnoxious, and that struggle is real phrase, becomes the reality of your life!

So- yoga.

An hour class involves a gentle-to ass-kicking workout, mental health therapy, breath work, grounding and centering, being nurtured, 2-10 minutes of pretending to be dead, but still breathing, and affirmations that tell you to be kind to yourself, love yourself, give yourself grace. Also, congratulations are given to you just for showing up.

I love it.

My father remarked to me during a recent visit, that, “I don’t know what’s going on with your husband, but this has been the best visit with him- whatever he’s doing, tell him to keep it up!”

It’s the yoga!

When I Can’t Fix It

 

I absolutely am a pleaser person. I have been my whole life, for sure, but being married and having a family certainly exacerbated my pleasing tendencies. I’m sure there are are so many theories about people who like to please: nature, nurture, needing to do so to survive, having a hard to please parent, the list can go on and on. Regardless, because I am a pleaser, I am also a fixer. I try to make things right, or better, or less awful, or more awesome. Again, this list is never ending. It makes me so, so tired.

As you can probably imagine, when the pleasing, and the fixing tend to be running high, not only am I tired, but I can become very anxious. I think high functioning anxiety and high functioning enabling are very real co-morbidities of  the pleaser-fixer personality. Anyone else? I think people handle things differently, as well. Some pleaser-fixers are perpetually angry or crabby (and who can blame them, really?), some are putting on such a facade that they seem very laid back, and unbothered (then they have their meltdown quietly, at home, where no on can witness them breaking down), and some people probably just own it and tell everyone what’s going on with them. I’m probably a combination of all of these, depending on the hormones, current situation, and whether or not I’m too hungry.

(Can I get a witness?)

So, I’m having the best time visiting Minnesota (pretty much, blissfully, alone), and found out today that one of my dad’s brothers died this morning. The viewing/funeral is in two days. In NorthDakota. My dad is in Myrtle Beach. A hurricane is coming. He has way too much going on with him to get to the funeral.

I can’t make it better. I can’t please my North Dakota relatives by getting him or myself, or anyone from my family there in two days time. I’m supposed to be returning home that day.

I can’t fix it.

So, I’m not in a tailspin or anything (right now) but it hurts to not be able to fix things. I go into worry mode about my family that is grieving the loss of their dad. I wonder how they are. I wonder how my dad is coping. My heart literally hurts when I’m faced with this amount of grief and uncertainty. 

So, people pleasers and fixers- I’d love to pray with you as we navigate our crazy, messy, beautiful selves. I hope for peace to surround us when things feel out of control. I wish for hope to surround us when we can’t do what our very nature tells us to do daily… hourly. And I hope that those who love us can give us a little grace when our very unrealistic expectations that we put on ourselves start to bring us down.

Parenting the Adults

I am, undeniably, more stressed parenting adult children, than I ever was parenting the kids when they were young. I think it’s because I had much more control of the situations that arose when they were younger. I also was able to parent with consequences that meant something when the kids were in various stages. You want the Wi-Fi password?- I’ll give it to you when you finish your chores…  You want your toy back?- finish your vegetables… You want to go out with your friends?- finish cleaning your room… and so on and so forth. I just don’t have that kind of leverage anymore. 

I have one, successively launched child, out of three. She still has her issues, and some of her choices are not mine. My middle girl, though, has finished her bachelors degree in four years, is engaged to be married, and paying her own bills. Super proud of her!!!

The oldest is on the list for housing through the community services board. He will get housing assistance because of his autism. The man child will be launched within the next few months. He has held the same job for several years, has a core group of a few friends, is a Mason, and plays Dungeons and Dragons. He’s come a long way, baby. He will still need support, but he’s come so far!

The youngest (the child that is that child) is still my toughest work in progress child. I know all of us are works in progress, but she is always my challenging kid. I love her fiercely, and she is the one that consumes all my worries. She makes dangerous choices, and is constantly on my mind. I think, often, that God is teaching me something big through my experiences with her, and I pray He shows me and my family through it.

The adult children are definitely on their own paths, and really, all three of them are in a different place spiritually and mentally than I would have wished for. My good friend said once that she had a hard time believing that these kids came out of our house and upbringing. How did this happen? I can only shrug, because this family they grew up in is a God believing, Christian family. At least one child is away from the faith, and another behaves in a decidedly not-following-faithful-living type of way. 

I’m sure that free will and adult choices are bound to differ from kid to kid, and parent to kid. It’s so hard though, to watch them struggle as they have made conscious choices to step back from the faith they were raised in. I get it that their minds and hearts are different than mine, but it kind of breaks my heart that they are each in their own different relationship with God. That my children have chosen to live in a way that is so different from how my husband and I raised them,  makes me feel sad. And a little desperate. It’s hard. I love them so very much. I want so much for them.

I also know that I don’t see the big picture, thank goodness! Praise God. For real.

I am proud, in different ways, for each of my adult kiddos. I truly see reflections of Jesus in all of them, and I have to remember that they are loved even more infinitely by God than I can ever imagine as a human. I’m grateful for that. While I may be in a constant stat of stress and worry on this side of Heaven, I am confident that all will be made right on the other side of Heaven.

But, mamas of adult children, God sees you. He is with you. Even to the end of the age.

This Is How It Ends

Who else feels like we are in the midst of the Apocalypse (capital A)? I’m starting to wonder, myself.  It’s like that meme with guy looking out with big eyes, and the caption reads something like. “Me wondering what chapter of Revelation are we on today?”

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm

I asked my father who was born at the close of World War Two, who lived through Vietnam, The oil crisis of the 70s, the Bay of Pigs, the Cold War, the two Gulf Wars, and several banking crisis’ what he thought of the right now. Is it worse than now than it was back then? He answered with a resounding YES. My daddy is very wise, so I listen when he has opinions.

He also said that we are still living in the greatest country in the world, not to lose sight of that.

I agree.

Regardless of how I feel about the dumpster fire that started with the manufactured virus, all the lies, the election integrity issues, the current state of our government- I find that for better or worse, I am in the right now. I have to find peace with the right now, especially because so little of the world is peaceful. While exuding peace seems next to impossible sometimes (a lot of times), the reality is that it is what it is. Living angry and anxious all the time isn’t good for my health- or yours- or anyones’!

I am so very anxious about how the world is (again) right now, how our country is right now. I know it’s wrong to complain if I don’t have a solution, but I don’t have one. I vote, I write my congress people, I try to be kind and helpful. I pray. I take care of those closest to me. Yet, the country and world that I love seem to be slipping away. Everyone is so angry, and confused, and it feels like we’ve forgotten how to talk with each other about differing thoughts and opinions without blowing up!

And, as I write (why I write), maybe that’s it. The world is supposed to slip away. We are, after all, aliens in a foreign land. God is sovereign. We are not meant to be here very long. And, as always, God is not surprised by any of this, even though I am still shocked every day by something.

 

Perhaps the whole point is to just do what you can do? Be kind. Take care of you and yours. Work hard to be peaceful, to be a light. Be involved. Answer hate with love. It may sound corney or naive, but it’s something, right?

So, as dismayed as anyone feels, lets bear up with one another, and forward on.

Peace Be With You.

Friday Musings

It’s been a long couple of weeks.

Living with chronic pain just really sucks sometimes, especially as I’m waiting for the relief of a steroid injection in my back. I always though I’d be too scared to resort to such things, but nerve pain is no joke. I got said shot on Monday, and have been improving since. Praise God!

Living with special needs kids is also no joke. Mothering is life, and life is not for the weak. I feel like our house has become a psych/rehab facility and I am caught between the space of being glad we can provide this for our child, and just wanting it to be …later. Over. When everything is right again. When the frontal lobe starts firing, and said child is ready to move out. It isn’t this week, that’s for sure.

I am feeling like I’m living in a combat zone, never knowing what around the next 5 minutes. Will there be a meltdown? Will there be more surprises about jobs, future living situations, boyfriends? The oldest wigs and flees the table when I make broccoli, and it’s on the menu for tonight; I have to prepare for that situation. Also, I’m tired of being the Uber for these kids (young adults) and ferrying them around to jobs, appointments, etc. Also: the grocery bill. My kids go through a bag of grapes in two days, and they are so expensive! It’s stressful trying to feed my family healthy stuff!!

I am weary. I know I’m not alone and what is happening at our house is not unique. It just feels that way.

Just breathe. And pray. 

AND… God. Always, God. Forever and ever, even till the end of time, He will be with us always. 

hang onto that:)

Just Write

I always seem to blog when I’m at some kind of crossroads in my life. The truth is, though, that they’re happening daily- decisions, different patch’s to take, next steps, etc.

For me, I truly believe that time is elastic. The front end of my life seemed to be dragging on and on. I was always wishing for the next thing. You know the deal: If only I was done with high-school… If only nursing school was finished… I can’t wait to be married… have children… finish the damn bachelor’s degree.

 Now, as all those things have come to pass, life is going Way. Too. Fast. The oldest daughter is getting married, which is way happy, and I love my soon-to-be son-in-law. The oldest child, the man-child is in the que for housing, and we are waiting on that. This is huge, by the way, as finding affordable housing for an adult with autism is so hard; group housing is not the right fit for him, and he still needs support. The youngest daughter, always that child, is a work in progress. And it’s OK- we’ll get there.

And what about me? Well, exactly my point, here. What is next? The husband and I are now rooted firmly where we are for another 9.5 years, as he’s taken a second job (that he loves, that is awesome, that was prayed for and accepted with a lot of gratitude and praise). I’m back in the nursing profession- andd let me say that not much has changed in that arena, what with staffing issues, long shifts, etc. But- I really do like where I work! So, what’s next?

Looking for where to retire is daunting, yet fun. Looking to make sure the kids are all settled is exhausting, but it’s ok. Our biggest worry right now is launching the baby in spite of all of her issues and quirks. 

And yet, I still have not written that book. The one I’ve always had a concept for, the one I’ve always dreamed about, the grand idea of being published. 

But who has time for that??

I think I know the answer is that: I do. Anxieties and worry, though, paralyze me lately. 

However, I know I also need to just write.