Grieving Is Not Linear

I was reading my devotional- but first, actually, I was on Instagram. For all of three minutes, and that was long enough to spike the heart rate, blood pressure, anxiety, and anger, when I felt God nudge me gently (may be not so gently) to NOT start the day this way, and to look up. 

So, I felt like not rebelling, and tried obedience instead, and moved on to my devotion. I’m doing a lot of devotions on grief right now, because I am, once again, in a season of heavy losses. I was incredibly sad when my mother and grandmother died within six weeks of each other in 2019. That grief cycle was expected, and very hard to process. The two most important women in my life were gone, and gone in the wrong order, and gone rather unexpectantly (in my mother’s case). The grief, sadness, and guilt I felt took forever to process. But GOD… and a very good therapist helped me process and got me back on my feet again. This time,,, it’s.. something else entirely.

I feel, most of the time lately, that life is just a mounting series of losses. Some people experienced them harder than others, some are more resilient, some are not. Growing up as a Navy Brat (represent!), I learned very early on to be resilient with moves every three years, changing schools, friendships, relationships, communities, etc. And I’m better for it. Growing up with faith, and in a church certainly formed a worldview that centered around things of Heaven, and not things of this temporary Earth. These types of grief and dealing with the day to day, year to year changes, and yes, sometimes losses, were easier to process, feel, and move on. Life is, after all, a circle of sorts.

But, one cannot escape grief.

THIS season, is so very hard. It is so very painful. I and my family are so hurting and confused and blindsided that not only are we sad, but we don’t understand. None of us. It’s like someone died, but she didn’t, and we don’t know why, because she won’t tell us or talk to us, and we can’t reach her. No one thinks she is OK, and it would appear that she doesn’t care that we are worried sick for her.

It’s hard to process grief, and sadness, when you can’t even comprehend the why behind it.

Which brings me to my Bible devotion this morning, and a little bit of an a-ha moment, a tiny epiphany, and maybe a little, quiet Hallelujah.

Jesus knew He was on Earth to die on the cross for us. He knew it His whole life- for thirtyish years, He was aware of God’s Plan, THE PLAN. 

The night before He was going to die, though, He took His best friends with Him to the garden and told them how scared He was- ‘grieved- even to the point of death.” Which, He knew was coming. His friends, I’m sure, were confused, but worried, and a little exhausted, obviously, because they fell asleep when He went further on without them to pray. 

Jesus asked His Father if there was any other way, if there was any conceivable notion to to change the part where He had to die on the cross, If, there was somehow, some possible way to escape this part of the story, could it possibly happen? 

Then Jesus says, “BUT Your way, not Mine, be done.”

Your way. Not mine. Even Jesus had to step forward in faith, trusting His Father’s will. 

God ALWAYS has a plan. Always. He sees me. He sees us. He sees her. He is in control.

I do NOT like right now. I do not feel like all is well with my soul- even though I sing it, hoping that if I sing and praise, and give the words to Heaven, that I’ll start to know in my head, what I do believe in my heart is true. I’m human, with very human thoughts and feelings, but I do know my faith, and my God is bigger than this.

I need to keep moving forward. I need to keep praying. I need to trust.

Thy will be done.

It is SO NOT EASY.

It still hurts. It still sucks. 

But, GOD.