Keeping Positive and Rolling With It

Life continues to be interesting. In the immortal words of my good friend, Bernie, “Life is not for the weak!”

Indeed.

I’ve found it moderately hilarious that things will go awry when you are already in somewhat of a spiral!  There is a full moon coming, and two months in 2026 have back to back Friday the 13ths (what even in the heck?!?)

But that is neither here nor there…

On top of it all, this week, Satan decided to attack my Bible streak on the You Version app and make it look like I skipped a day. The very nerve. We got that fixed, like, right away. Minor panic attack. I know it seems silly, but sometimes those silly things can really throw you (me) for a loop.

I’m in the midst of some interesting health… things, we’ll call them. One thing has led to another, then another, and all of the sudden I have four new specialists and a full-time follow-up career with appointments and consults and tests. This was the perfect time for my dad to start having some health issues as well, so I had to pause my health-interesting-journey in order to come help him with his. And of course the timing is just “perfect” (imagine the eye roll/sarcasm/deep sigh) because, well, life. 

Again, not for the weak.

My theme song, when I was an unstable, overworked, anorexic, underpaid, severely understaffed ICU nurse was “Roll With It, Baby” because- what else could you do but try to keep your patients alive and give your heart and soul to the families of the patients for twelve hours on night shift so you could go home, crash for a few hours, have nightmares about all the things you might have forgotten to do, and then return to do it again(?)…

That is kind of how this feels… Everything in the world (albeit my world) imploding, disappointing situations, hard realities, trying to heal, pain, and me giving and giving and still giving…and I’ll do it until I die… so I’ll just roll with it. There is no other way. I roll with it, and pray, and God is God, and I am not, so… just roll with it.

                                                 

And, no matter how things may play out, there will be no regrets. My dad gave his all for me. He’d do it again. He still tries to. It’s a privilege to be here for him and to be able to care for him. He is almost eighty-two years old, and time is short- I get that. I don’t want there to be any doubt that I didn’t give him my all, when he gave me his. I want to be here.

                                                  

Silver lining: while it was in the 30s and sleeting/freezing rain back home , it was in the 60s and 70s here, and the sun was shining!

                                                 

Grieving Is Not Linear

I was reading my devotional- but first, actually, I was on Instagram. For all of three minutes, and that was long enough to spike the heart rate, blood pressure, anxiety, and anger, when I felt God nudge me gently (may be not so gently) to NOT start the day this way, and to look up. 

So, I felt like not rebelling, and tried obedience instead, and moved on to my devotion. I’m doing a lot of devotions on grief right now, because I am, once again, in a season of heavy losses. I was incredibly sad when my mother and grandmother died within six weeks of each other in 2019. That grief cycle was expected, and very hard to process. The two most important women in my life were gone, and gone in the wrong order, and gone rather unexpectantly (in my mother’s case). The grief, sadness, and guilt I felt took forever to process. But GOD… and a very good therapist helped me process and got me back on my feet again. This time,,, it’s.. something else entirely.

I feel, most of the time lately, that life is just a mounting series of losses. Some people experienced them harder than others, some are more resilient, some are not. Growing up as a Navy Brat (represent!), I learned very early on to be resilient with moves every three years, changing schools, friendships, relationships, communities, etc. And I’m better for it. Growing up with faith, and in a church certainly formed a worldview that centered around things of Heaven, and not things of this temporary Earth. These types of grief and dealing with the day to day, year to year changes, and yes, sometimes losses, were easier to process, feel, and move on. Life is, after all, a circle of sorts.

But, one cannot escape grief.

THIS season, is so very hard. It is so very painful. I and my family are so hurting and confused and blindsided that not only are we sad, but we don’t understand. None of us. It’s like someone died, but she didn’t, and we don’t know why, because she won’t tell us or talk to us, and we can’t reach her. No one thinks she is OK, and it would appear that she doesn’t care that we are worried sick for her.

It’s hard to process grief, and sadness, when you can’t even comprehend the why behind it.

Which brings me to my Bible devotion this morning, and a little bit of an a-ha moment, a tiny epiphany, and maybe a little, quiet Hallelujah.

Jesus knew He was on Earth to die on the cross for us. He knew it His whole life- for thirtyish years, He was aware of God’s Plan, THE PLAN. 

The night before He was going to die, though, He took His best friends with Him to the garden and told them how scared He was- ‘grieved- even to the point of death.” Which, He knew was coming. His friends, I’m sure, were confused, but worried, and a little exhausted, obviously, because they fell asleep when He went further on without them to pray. 

Jesus asked His Father if there was any other way, if there was any conceivable notion to to change the part where He had to die on the cross, If, there was somehow, some possible way to escape this part of the story, could it possibly happen? 

Then Jesus says, “BUT Your way, not Mine, be done.”

Your way. Not mine. Even Jesus had to step forward in faith, trusting His Father’s will. 

God ALWAYS has a plan. Always. He sees me. He sees us. He sees her. He is in control.

I do NOT like right now. I do not feel like all is well with my soul- even though I sing it, hoping that if I sing and praise, and give the words to Heaven, that I’ll start to know in my head, what I do believe in my heart is true. I’m human, with very human thoughts and feelings, but I do know my faith, and my God is bigger than this.

I need to keep moving forward. I need to keep praying. I need to trust.

Thy will be done.

It is SO NOT EASY.

It still hurts. It still sucks. 

But, GOD.

Parenting the Adults

I am, undeniably, more stressed parenting adult children, than I ever was parenting the kids when they were young. I think it’s because I had much more control of the situations that arose when they were younger. I also was able to parent with consequences that meant something when the kids were in various stages. You want the Wi-Fi password?- I’ll give it to you when you finish your chores…  You want your toy back?- finish your vegetables… You want to go out with your friends?- finish cleaning your room… and so on and so forth. I just don’t have that kind of leverage anymore. 

I have one, successively launched child, out of three. She still has her issues, and some of her choices are not mine. My middle girl, though, has finished her bachelors degree in four years, is engaged to be married, and paying her own bills. Super proud of her!!!

The oldest is on the list for housing through the community services board. He will get housing assistance because of his autism. The man child will be launched within the next few months. He has held the same job for several years, has a core group of a few friends, is a Mason, and plays Dungeons and Dragons. He’s come a long way, baby. He will still need support, but he’s come so far!

The youngest (the child that is that child) is still my toughest work in progress child. I know all of us are works in progress, but she is always my challenging kid. I love her fiercely, and she is the one that consumes all my worries. She makes dangerous choices, and is constantly on my mind. I think, often, that God is teaching me something big through my experiences with her, and I pray He shows me and my family through it.

The adult children are definitely on their own paths, and really, all three of them are in a different place spiritually and mentally than I would have wished for. My good friend said once that she had a hard time believing that these kids came out of our house and upbringing. How did this happen? I can only shrug, because this family they grew up in is a God believing, Christian family. At least one child is away from the faith, and another behaves in a decidedly not-following-faithful-living type of way. 

I’m sure that free will and adult choices are bound to differ from kid to kid, and parent to kid. It’s so hard though, to watch them struggle as they have made conscious choices to step back from the faith they were raised in. I get it that their minds and hearts are different than mine, but it kind of breaks my heart that they are each in their own different relationship with God. That my children have chosen to live in a way that is so different from how my husband and I raised them,  makes me feel sad. And a little desperate. It’s hard. I love them so very much. I want so much for them.

I also know that I don’t see the big picture, thank goodness! Praise God. For real.

I am proud, in different ways, for each of my adult kiddos. I truly see reflections of Jesus in all of them, and I have to remember that they are loved even more infinitely by God than I can ever imagine as a human. I’m grateful for that. While I may be in a constant stat of stress and worry on this side of Heaven, I am confident that all will be made right on the other side of Heaven.

But, mamas of adult children, God sees you. He is with you. Even to the end of the age.

This Is How It Ends

Who else feels like we are in the midst of the Apocalypse (capital A)? I’m starting to wonder, myself.  It’s like that meme with guy looking out with big eyes, and the caption reads something like. “Me wondering what chapter of Revelation are we on today?”

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm

I asked my father who was born at the close of World War Two, who lived through Vietnam, The oil crisis of the 70s, the Bay of Pigs, the Cold War, the two Gulf Wars, and several banking crisis’ what he thought of the right now. Is it worse than now than it was back then? He answered with a resounding YES. My daddy is very wise, so I listen when he has opinions.

He also said that we are still living in the greatest country in the world, not to lose sight of that.

I agree.

Regardless of how I feel about the dumpster fire that started with the manufactured virus, all the lies, the election integrity issues, the current state of our government- I find that for better or worse, I am in the right now. I have to find peace with the right now, especially because so little of the world is peaceful. While exuding peace seems next to impossible sometimes (a lot of times), the reality is that it is what it is. Living angry and anxious all the time isn’t good for my health- or yours- or anyones’!

I am so very anxious about how the world is (again) right now, how our country is right now. I know it’s wrong to complain if I don’t have a solution, but I don’t have one. I vote, I write my congress people, I try to be kind and helpful. I pray. I take care of those closest to me. Yet, the country and world that I love seem to be slipping away. Everyone is so angry, and confused, and it feels like we’ve forgotten how to talk with each other about differing thoughts and opinions without blowing up!

And, as I write (why I write), maybe that’s it. The world is supposed to slip away. We are, after all, aliens in a foreign land. God is sovereign. We are not meant to be here very long. And, as always, God is not surprised by any of this, even though I am still shocked every day by something.

 

Perhaps the whole point is to just do what you can do? Be kind. Take care of you and yours. Work hard to be peaceful, to be a light. Be involved. Answer hate with love. It may sound corney or naive, but it’s something, right?

So, as dismayed as anyone feels, lets bear up with one another, and forward on.

Peace Be With You.